I'm Going Back to China
by TheHineyGods
Summary: Parody on "Ren goes back to China" fics. When Ren has to go back to China, he'll be surprised by the number of people who protest... PG for shounen-ai.


Disclaimer: We don't own Shaman King... __; -mutters under breath-  
  
Whee... another screwed up one-shot from us... well, this fic is a parody on those "Ren goes back to China" romance fics. But it's all in good humor! ^^;; I personally enjoy those fics a lot, so please don't take any offense if you actually wrote one a fic with that storyline.  
  
Now, on with the fic.  
  
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I'm Going Back to China  
  
-  
  
"I'm going back to China," Ren declared, not looking the other boy directly in the eye.  
  
Horo Horo blinked, then asked hesitantly, "But... why?"  
  
"I don't know... something having to do with Jun. Obviously, it's important enough for me to have to go back," Ren replied with a pointed glare.  
  
"But you can't!" Horo wailed. He attached himself to Ren's waist. "I love you!"  
  
Ren looked down at him, shaking his head. He pried Horo off of him and walked away, not even throwing a glance back in Horo's direction.  
  
"Waaaaiiiitttt! I loooovvvveee yoooouuu!" Horo shrieked after him, throwing himself to the ground in a weeping heap.  
  
As he glanced over his shoulder to make sure Horo wasn't following him, Ren slammed into someone who was apparently standing right in his path.  
  
"Oh. Yo, Ren," Yoh said casually, grinning at the Chinese boy.  
  
"Hi. I'm going back to China. Just wanted everybody to know," Ren replied, aiming to walk past Yoh quickly.  
  
His path was blocked, though, as Yoh grabbed him by the shoulders. The grin had faded from Yoh's face and had been replaced with a concerned, maybe even sad, look.  
  
"What?" Ren asked angrily as Yoh stared at him with that same expression. His eyes widened as Yoh leaned in quickly, going for a kiss, and he pulled away before Yoh's lips could touch his own. He practically ran down the hall, not glancing back.  
  
"Ren..." Yoh watched as Ren made his escape.  
  
Ren panted as he walked into the kitchen. He was heading for the door, when an icy voice from behind him made him freeze in his tracks.  
  
"Where do you think you're going?"  
  
He turned to see Anna standing in the kitchen, glaring at him.  
  
"I'm going back to China," he explained briskly before reaching for the door.  
  
"Wait."  
  
Ren flinched, thinking about the last two encounters he had, and turned to look at Anna.  
  
"Yes?"   
  
"You can't... I wanted to... Ren -- I..." Anna never completed the sentence due to the fact that Ren turned away from her again.  
  
"I know, you love me, right?" he asked, sighing.  
  
"Urm... yes?" she replied, watching him warily.  
  
"Well... too bad." And with that, Ren waltzed out of the room, ignoring Anna's pained gasp behind him.  
  
Just as he opened the front door to head home to pack, Ren kicked something squishy that happened to 'oomph.'  
  
Ren looked down and noticed Manta, rubbing his stomach, and looking up at Ren with an agitated look.  
  
"I'm going back to China," he told the short boy.  
  
"No! You can't!" Manta screamed, grabbing Ren's leg.  
  
He glanced down at Manta, shook him off, and continued walking.  
  
When Ren thought that he had finally escaped his pursuers, the sidewalk in front of him was suddenly occupied as Hao appeared in a burst of flames. Ren narrowed his eyes as Hao smiled at him. "I'm going back to Chi--" He stopped. Why bother even saying it anymore?  
  
"Really now? Going back home?" Hao asked sweetly, smiling that lazy-eyed smile that everyone was used to seeing on Yoh's face. "But you can't."  
  
"Lemme guess... you love me?" Ren sighed, taking a step back as Hao closed in.  
  
His question was answered, however, when Hao leapt at him. Ren jumped out of the way, sprinted past Hao, and kept running down the sidewalk. Hao stood where he was, shouting after him.  
  
"I'll have you one day, Tao Ren!"  
  
He ran until he could no longer see Hao when he looked back. He made it to a street corner, where he stood, waiting for the light to change.  
  
As he began to walk across the street, a strange man passed him, turned around, and began following him.  
  
"I like little boys," Marco breathed into Ren's ear.  
  
"Eww..." Ren murmured before breaking into a run for the second time in ten minutes.  
  
Marco chased for a little while, but Ren beat him out by running around a corner and hiding in an alley.  
  
As he glanced out, around the corner to make sure Marco was gone, a strange shadow appeared over him.  
  
"Hello, Ren," Faust said, watching him closely.  
  
Ren stepped away slightly as Faust stared at him.  
  
"I love my dead wife." Faust didn't remove his creepy gaze from the Chinese boy even as he stated the piece of pointless information.  
  
"I'm going back to China," he said, countering with his own random statement.  
  
"Good luck." And with that, Faust walked away.  
  
Ren stared as Faust went on his way, then shrugged. "At least he didn't tell me that he loved me," he sighed, starting back for his house. He didn't get far, though, because mere minutes later, someone else stopped him.  
  
Lyserg jumped out from behind a lamp post and pointed at him. "Ren, join the X-LAWS. I love you. Join me and together we can destroy Hao and avenge my parents, then live together in happiness!" he declared dramatically. When he looked to see Ren's expression, he wasn't there. Instead, he was already far away, walking fast.  
  
Ren huffed as he threw himself inside a random store, thankful to be away from Lyserg. As he began to wonder what was the matter with EVERYONE, Silva stepped out from behind a shelf and walked toward Ren.  
  
"I'm going back to -- why were you in the processed meat aisle?" Ren cut himself off, staring at Silva curiously.  
  
"Because I love you," Silva replied simply, approaching Ren quickly.  
  
Ren's eyes widened considerably at this statement. After the initial shock, he flung himself out the door and headed down the street once again, hoping the large man had given up.  
  
Ren walked on, closing in on his house ever so slowly. He was within about two blocks when, all of a sudden, Ryu jumped out of a trash can nearby.  
  
Ren jumped, freaked out by the sight of Ryu standing in a garbage can.  
  
"What now?!" Ren screamed. He yanked his talberd out of some unseen place and held it at Ryu's throat.  
  
"I love you!" Ryu cried, tears streaming down his face.   
  
Ren sighed, put his talberd away, and trudged on down the street.  
  
Surprisingly, he reached his house without further incident or random love confession, and began packing. He was about halfway through when he noticed a note stuck to the table. He picked it up and read it after coming to the conclusion that it was from his sister.  
  
-  
  
Ren,  
  
The trip back home has been canceled. Went to the store to get milk.  
  
-  
  
Ren stared at the piece of paper. He then glanced to the window, where Horo, Yoh, Anna, Manta, Hao, Marco, Lyserg, Silva, and Ryu were peering in at him. He groaned.  
  
-owari-  
  
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Okay, now that you've read it, why don't you tell us if you like it? Flames are welcome, but will not be taken seriously. :D As I said before, this is written in good humor. 


End file.
